Lekker: Slow Cooker Buffalo Chicken Lettuce Wraps

I haven't actually blogged in awhile because my fingers actually hurt too much to type. It's too cold. I just sat on my hands for a bit to warm them up to write this sentence, and now my butt is just cold. It was 20 degrees when I left the house this morning. My friend Tiny Bird sent me a text message yesterday saying: "I WANT TO BOP THIS COLD WEATHER ON THE HEAD. RAWR."

Winter, we are so done.

We live in DC, by the way, not planet Hoth. This is not acceptable, at least not without a Taun-Taun and a lightsaber (purple, please, with Anakin's handle).

ANYWAYS, today's recipe has nothing to do with the cold or being suitable for the cold or anything even vaguely cutely relating to the cold because there is no rhyme or reason to this blog or my life. I just really really wanted buffalo chicken, and I also really really want to not get fat, so I wrap it in lettuce instead of bread. When feeding my man-friends on football Sundays, though, it's always piled high on top of a toasted buttered Kaiser roll and served with heaps of bleu cheese and pickles on the side.

Buffalo Chicken Lettuce Wraps
serves 4

What You Need
4 skinless boneless chicken breasts (You can also do a mix of breasts and thighs if you're freaky like that concerned about it being too dry, but of course thigh meat has more fat than breast meat and it's all doused in sauce anyway.)
~1.5 bottles of buffalo wing sauce (Yeah I know this is a really inexact measurement, sorry. I always buy two bottles and use about 3/4 of each because I'm never convinced that just ONE brand can have the exact flavour I want. After years of experimenting I've decided that a 50/50 mix of Texas Pete's Extra Mild Buffalo Wing Sauce and Frank's Red Hot Wing Sauce in the classic Buffalo flavour is the perfect mixture.)
2 T butter, chopped into small pieces

To Serve:
Lettuce leaves of choice (Unless your choice is "iceberg" lettuce, because that stuff is a nutritionally empty waste of space on a plate--I recommend Romaine leaves, Boston lettuce, Butter lettuce, or Bibb lettuce. I used Bibb.) 
Bleu cheese dressing (Marie's Chunky Blue Cheese Dressing is the best of the bunch, free of MSG, but you can also make your own by stirring together some blue cheese crumbles and a wee bit of half-and-half, microwaving at 10-second interval until it becomes saucy to your liking!)
Peeled, diced cucumber for crunch (optional; I just really like having pickles with my traditional buffalo chicken sandwiches but didn't think that would be terribly delicious with lettuce, and since pickles ARE cucumbers, it's only logical...)

What You Do
1. Toss the chicken breasts into a slow cooker and dump the sauce on top, turning the chicken around so everything is well coated. Sprinkle the butter bits on top, cover and cook on High for 3-4 hours or on Low for 6-7 hours.

2. Done! Shred the chicken up with two forks and return to the slow cooker to soak up the leftover sauce (feel free to add more at this stage if it's not saucy enough for you) and warm back up. Serve piled on top of lettuce leaves with the condiments and additions of your choice. Done!

Lagniappe: Don't Listen to Her

Lekker: Shrimp & Avocado Salad

I try to be pretty picky about the kinds of recipes I put up on the blog--I cook a LOT, and they aren't all winners. That's why everything I put up here is something I would make again and share with others, but this...this I could eat every day for a month and never complain.

As with most things in life, sometimes the best things are the SIMPLEST things! This Shrimp & Avocado salad is totally brainless, but so refreshing, so light, so delicious, and so applicable. I've eaten shamelessly devoured it by itself, on toasted baguette as an appetizer, on top of crunchy romaine lettuce as an even fuller salad, and even sprinkled with Parmesan in a grilled sandwich. ALL GOOD THINGS. And since I've decided that I am 17 shades of DONE with winter and forcibly moving ahead to summer (if my "bikini body" could get the memo that'd be great), it's extra perfect.

Maybe not the most pristine, photogenic salad in the world, but who cares.

Shrimp & Avocado Salad
usually serves 2 if tossed on top of some chopped romaine lettuce

What You Need
1/2 pound shrimp, peeled, deveined, tail-off and cooked (These particular ones I found at Trader Joe's and all I had to do was run them under some cold water to thaw for 5 minutes and they were DELICIOUS.)
1 avocado, diced
1 large tomato-on-the-vine, or 2 Roma tomatoes, or a large handful of cherry tomatoes, or whatever, diced
1/2 cup peeled and diced cucumber (this wound up being about 1/3 of a large English cucumber)
1 green spring onion, chopped

~2 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro leaves (no stems)
~1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
~1/2 tablespoon fresh squeezed lemon juice (or bottled I guess, but use sparingly since it's often stronger)
2-3 dashes chili powder
S & P, to taste

What You Do
1. Um...toss everything together? Stir really well to combine (the avocado will break down a bit and create a lovely creamy dressing with the EVOO and the lemon juice, but add more if you want to) and let it hang out in the fridge for about 10 minutes so the flavours marry, and...enjoy!

Liquor: Lemon Ginger Martini

So I have this really pathetic little game going on with myself right now, where I give myself a blue star (literally just a star scribbled in blue ink) on my wall calendar for every day I don't drink this month. There's no incentive for doing this; I've not promised myself anything, am not rewarding myself in any way, and have not been commanded to do so by any sort of rehabilitation programme. I have no idea why I play these games with myself.

Today is February 19, and I have 7 blue stars.

Don't you judge me. It's largely because of this drink! The Lemon Ginger Martini.

Easy-peasey lemon-squeezy.

This drink recipe comes entirely from my friend Lilypad, who is just so tres chic it's no surprise at all that she would come up with such a sophisticated drink. I love it because it's not too sweet, and so refreshing I know this is going to become my signature summer drink. With over a foot of snow piled up outside, clearly I am already pretending it is summer! I think it's about time I switch back to liquor from wine and beer, too, in trying to make smarter caloric decisions--so you can expect cocktail recipes to pop up more often, especially "skinny" ones. Cos summer IS coming. Thank god.

Lemon Ginger Martini
makes 1 martini

What You Need
2 ounces gin (BECAUSE YES, ACTUAL TRUE MARTINIS ARE MADE WITH GIN, NOT WITH VODKA) As you can see I used Tanqueray, but usually Bombay Sapphire is my go-to. Lilypad, because she maintains only the most exquisite taste, likes Junipero, which I must say I quite like.
1 ounce freshly squeezed and strained lemon juice (I forbid you to bastardise this simple deliciousness with the bottled stuff!)
0.5 ounce (or 1 ounce if you like things sweeter) ginger simple syrup, recipe here

What You Do
1. Did I or did I not say easy-peasey lemon-squeezy? Shake all over ice in a cocktail shaker for 30 seconds and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with a lemon slice.

Lekker: Bacon Wrapped Baked Eggs

This post is about bacon. That alone should be enough to grab your attention. How about breakfast for dinner? I'm a big fan of that, since my love for eggs is WELL documented, and usually by the time I am home and have had a glass of wine, breakfast is about as complicated as it gets around here! This little dish takes about 30 minutes to whip up start to finish and is fancy enough to do for a Sunday brunch, for a winkwinknudgenudge morning after, or to make yourself feel fancy for dinner. Bottom line: this stuff is the SHIT.

Give it a spin.

Serve with a fresh green salad for lunch, steamed/grilled/sauteed asparagus and feta for dinner, or with some cut fruit and a tall glass of OJ (read: mimosa) for breakfast.

Because bacon.

Bacon Wrapped Baked Eggs
makes 1 serving

What You Need
serves 1; scale up as needed, depending on how many guests you have the morning after--I'm not judging
2 slices bread OR a bit of Pillsbury croissant or biscuit dough (in the pop-open tins that are like jack-in-the-boxes for adults, that is to say, awful)
2 eggs
4 slices of bacon (thick cut, applewood smoked, whatever you like)
Optional: shredded cheddar cheese (yes), sliced scallions or green spring onions (yes), salt and pepper (of course) and/or anything else you like with your eggs.

What You Do
1. Preheat your oven to 375 and grease a muffin tin well. If you're using slices of bread, use a highball glass to stamp out two circles of bread, smooshing them down into the bottom and sides of the muffin tin. You'll want to spray the bread with whatever Pam or melted butter or whatever you used to grease the pan, too. If you're using the croissant dough, just unroll it and layer it on the bottom and sides of the muffin tin. That's stuff got enough grease on its own to be a musical.

 See?

2. Cook the bacon in the microwave until it's pliable but not cooked. Usually this takes only about a minute for me. Wrap two pieces in a "halo" of sorts above the bread, overlapping each other a bit.

3. You can add cheese/onions/herbs to the bottom and then pile the egg on top, or vice versa. Usually I do a bit of both. So, I drop a wee bit of sliced onions and shredded cheese on top of the bread, and crack an egg into that lovely little well you've made. Then top with more cheese, onions, salt and pepper, because you worked hard today putting up with all those idiots out there and you deserve it.

 Voila!

4. YOU'RE DONE. Pop into the oven for about 16 minutes and enjoy a whiskey drink, then remove. Depending on how hot your oven gets you might want to start checking at 14 minutes; take it out when the whites are solid and cooked through. Let it cool for about 3 minutes (this gives the bread and egg time to release itself from the sides of the muffin tin) and run a knife around the edges, popping out onto a warm plate. Serve with your vegetable of choice (to counteract all that whiskey and bacon, of course) and bask in the praise of whomever you've decided to bless with this.

Lagniappe: It'll Be Over Tomorrow

Lagniappe: You're Like Hot Chocolate

'Tis the season of love, or something something something friends-with-benefits. Whichever.

Lagniappe: That "Filter" Thing

I do not have it. 

Liquor: The Carlos O'Brien

Last weekend or thereabouts, right when I started the Facebook page for this little blog, my good friend Sara Say-So asked me for a cocktail recommendation for a small dinner party she was throwing with her new husband Evan. (Can I just say, it is still so freaky to me that my friends from high school are now all doing the rounds of getting married and having babies, made ludicrous by the fact that I was actually divorced at 21, made even MORE ironic by the fact that Say-So's husband is my ex-husband's cousin...and I used to date Say-So's older brother back in high school...and Say-So and Evan got married in Barcelona, where my ex-husband and I went on holiday before getting married. IT'S A TEENY TINY WORLD Y'ALL.)

Of course in order to make any sort of recommendation on what to drink, I needed to know what they were eating, too. When she said fish, only two real things popped into mind--a Moscato for Thai or Asian inspired fish, or tequila for any sort of Caribbean/Latin American preparation. All of this was highly ironic given that I was in an aquarium at the time, but I digress.

Tequila it is! And what a fine choice indeed, given that I've been obsessed with Jose Cuervo Silver ever since I had a well-intentioned Nacho Night with some friends that ended with the usual debauchery--and woke up clear as a bell and awesome the next morning. I can't explain this devil magic, but I'm sticking with it! Tequila and lime is the quintessential combination, of course, but keeping in mind my current my love affair with the earthy spiciness of ginger, here's what I came up with:

The Carlos O'Brien: named by and created for the inspirational couple. I'm expecting an invite to the next dinner party you guys! :)

The Carlos O'Brien
makes 1 drink

What You Need
3 ounces white tequila, Jose Cuervo Silver preferably
2 ounces freshly squeezed lime juice
2.5 ounces ginger simple syrup (Requiring 1 cup white sugar, 1 cup water and 1 large piece of ginger, about 10 inches long; recipe follows.)
Club soda, to top off

What You Do
1. First things first, we gotta make the ginger simple syrup. Peel your piece of ginger and slice it up into a bunch of thin little rounds; the more surface area available the more ginger infusion we can eke out. In a small pot, combine the water, sugar and ginger pieces and bring to a low boil. Reduce, then simmer gently uncovered for 20-30 minutes until the syrup has thickened and turned a beautiful amber colour. Remove from heat and cool, straining out the ginger. It'll keep in the fridge for about a month.

Thin it out with a bit of water if you find it thickening too much in the fridge.

2. OK, drink mixing time! It's all pretty easy from here; just squeeze the limes through a strainer, and in a cocktail shaker filled with ice combine the lime juice, tequila, and ginger simple syrup. Shake for about 30 seconds and strain into a glass over ice. Top with club soda to taste, and serve with a lime wedge garnish. Ta dah!

Lekker: Raspberry Chia Jam

Chi-chi-chi-CHIA!

Did I just throw you back? Back to the days of infomercials, before TiVo, back before I discovered my black thumb and I thought I actually stood a chance of keeping one of those things alive? Look, you can even get one of Barack Obama and if THAT isn't just a *shade* on the nose I don't know what is.

Anyway, so apparently chia seeds are a thing OUTSIDE of the infomercial world, even though the red squiggly line underneath it is telling me Blogger disagrees. Shut up, Blogger. People are actually eating it, and as I'm always game to try the latest food trend to see if it's hipster bullshit or actually delicious, I picked some up at Trader Joe's last weekend.

First things first: they are teeny tiny light gray seeds that look like fleas.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but it's TRUE! I figured we could just get that out of the way, dry heave quickly, and move on.

Moving on, the thing that intrigued me most about these flea-seeds when researching them online was their gelatinous properties. That is, if you mix them with a bit of water and let them hang out, the high content of fibre creates a gel-like substance making this a PERFECT substitute for pectin AND gelatin! That is a bizarro and freakin' cool quality, and a big deal for two reasons. (Normal people don't get excited about this kind of thing but I do so bear with me because I'm about to drop some knowledge on you.)

First, pectin. Pectin is the substance that makes jams and marmalades...um...jammy. It's a thickening agent found naturally in the cell walls of plants that makes homemade jams gel to form a nicer spreading consistency.

Second, as a substitute for gelatin, chia is the BOMB. Do you know what gelatin is? It's the stuff in Jell-O and puddings and so on that's derived from collagen. Collagen is the stuff being shot into celebrities faces to make them look younger so that's probably where you've heard about it, but it's naturally found in skin, ligaments, bones, and tendons and you render it out by...boiling it. Seriously, it's true. Jell-O is artificially coloured boiled pig skin and cow skulls. Yummy! Who's hungry?

No, that's disgusting shit and you shouldn't be eating it. You think they make sure the skin is all nice and clean before they boil it? HA HA. If that doesn't sound like some insane Hannibal Lecter type shit to you, then perhaps you deserve what you're eating.

Sidebar: I'm not a fan of things with Jell-o and pudding-like consistency in the first place. It confuses me. I don't know how to eat it. Chew it? Swallow it? Gum it? Smush it through my teeth? No, just no, I prefer my foods to have a more defined identity, thanks. But, for those of you who ARE octogenarians and like that stuff, congratulations! Chia seeds are your new friends.

Back to pectin. I've been tinkering around with jams and marmalades for about two years ever since I spent Boxing Day one holiday with my Dad and friend Brenda trying to make calamondine marmalade. For the life of us none of us could remember/figure out what to use to actually make it JAMMY instead of a runny, sugary mess, and looking back...I have no idea why none of us Google searched it. (I blame the Cinzano day drinking.) Pectin was the answer as we've just learned (were you paying attention?) but since I'm always looking to add nutritional value to anything I make whenever possible, chia seeds STOMP pectin in that department--much like I fervently hope DMX will do to George Zimmerman in short order.

CHIA SEEDS: Fibre! Vitamins! Sustained energy! Superfood! You're not listening anymore and it doesn't matter; here's one way you can introduce it to your diet AND pat yourself on the back for making your own homemade jam. It's so easy and I guarantee it will impress the shit out of your overnight guest when you serve them homemade jam on waffles next-day. See: possible Valentine's Day Morning After breakfast. If you're lucky.

Raspberry Chia Jam
makes about 1/2 to 3/4 cup finished jam

What You Need
1 tablespoon chia seeds
2 1/2 tablespoons water
1 cup raspberries (or blueberries if you want blueberry jam, or blackberries if you want blackberry jam, see how this works?)
2 teaspoons honey or agave nectar, more or less, to your tastes

What You Do
1. In a small bowl, mix the chia seeds with the water and let them sit for about 10 minutes. Then they'll look like this!

2. Then in a blender, Magic Bullet, or in a small bowl using an immersion blender, blend everything together. That's seriously it. No dicing, no cooking, no heat, nothing. NEVER have I had such a cool DIY project with so minimal effort. If only there were someone to impress on Valentine's Day morning.

Gentlemen! Now auditioning.

Lekker: Feta Dip

Today's recipe comes from Sweet Paul, one that's been hangin' around on my Pinterest boards for ages while I waited for an excuse to whip it up. I got a GREAT one on Saturday night when my girlfriends Lilypad, Tiny Bird, Sammy Anne and I had a good old fashioned girl's night/slumber party--ladies, have you had one of those recently? Now I don't mean going out and getting wasted with your girlfriends and then coming back to crash at their places--I mean sitting around a coffee table laden with snacks on the living room floor, watching romantic comedies and stuffing your faces and laughing until you cry? That's exactly what we did and man, it is good for the heart.

However, since we are "grown ups" (LOL) instead of Ben & Jerry's we had gelato and sorbetto, and in lieu of greasy pizza we whipped up baked Brie and prosciutto and THIS delicious feta dip. I know, we're all just so painfully sophisticated right? Don't worry--I may have been sipping a Lemon Ginger Martini, but I was doing it in a leopard print onesie and making dick jokes through Cards Against Humanity, so, some things never change.

Sidebar: Have you guys ever played that game, Cards Against Humanity? SO. MUCH. FUN. You get to learn aaaaaalll sorts of things about your friends with this little doozy...for example, my sweet, classy, Southern Belle friend Lilypad? Turns into a completely dirty deviant! The hippie, flowers-in-her-braided-hair museum studies/art history major Sammy Anne? That woman just wants to watch the world burn. And Tiny Bird, well...she just wants to play with dead babies and coolers full of organs from Mexico, but I was pretty sure of that already. It's just as despicable, awkward and hilarious as it sounds, and you can buy it here.

Fun way to find out what your friends REALLY think of you, too.

Eat this while you play.

I repurposed the original feta container, because I'm lazy eco-friendly like that.

Feta Dip

serves 4

What You Need

8 ounces feta cheese, crumbled (I am over-the-moon obsessed with the "Authentic Greek Feta" from Trader Joe's, because it IS actually legit--made from sheep's milk and packed in brine, that stuff is utterly addicting.)

1 clove garlic, minced

1 tablespoon grated lemon zest (I only had limes on hand so that's what I used, but lemon is better)

2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice

Dash or two of dried thyme

Pinch of freshly ground black pepper

6 tablespoons olive oil
Optional: 1 tablespoon Greek yogurt, if you feel like it needs to lighten up a bit

Sliced cucumbers, pita chips, and/or tomatoes for dipping & serving

What You Do

1. Throw everything into a blender or Magic Bullet, or do what I did and just use an immersion blender and a deep bowl. Done! Make sure to let this sit in the fridge for a few hours before you serve it so the flavours have a chance to marry, like half my friends these days.

Lagniappe: Blanche is my Spirit Animal